Judy Cohen, M.Ed ~ Scholastic Success and College Counseling

The following 18 points from "What I Want to Tell My Parents or Caretakers" are shared in a publication called: Searching Within.... What are your thoughts?

• It is so important to listen, to really listen and hear what is being said.
• It is important to act interested and look the speaker in the eye.
• It is important to not be judgmental or negative.
• It is important to stay right next to the person or in front of the person while the person
is speaking, but do not get too close to the person. Give the speaker some space.
• It is important to be understanding. One may not agree, but at least try to understand.
• It is important to speak in a calm and soft voice; if the caretaker or parent yells, the speaker will yell and no one will hear the other.
• It is important to try to come up with some good ideas for change.
• It is important to trust. Without trust, there will be no sharing.
• It is important to love. Love will help the person to feel comfortable sharing.
• It is important to be honest. When a question is asked, be honest with the answer.
• It is important to show respect. Do not look down on the person and make him or her
feel inferior.
• It is important to encourage the person to be truthful. Don’t come down hard on the
person since then the person will choose to not tell the truth.
• It is important to try not to live vicariously through the person.
That person is unique; you are you.
• It is important to give hugs if warranted. A warm touch is worth a thousand words.
• It is important to not enable the person. If a consequence is to be meted out, and it is a
fair one, it should be given. People learn from their mistakes and consequences.
• It is important for the listener not to respond how perfect he or she is.
It will give the speaker too much to live up to.
• It is important to remember to be a parent or a caretaker and not just a friend.
• It is important to not make promises to the speaker that you will be unable to keep.
If you do that, trust will be lost.

Listening is Key

The most important advice I can give you is to listen, really listen. As a parent, I know your days are full of so many things and at times you just want to relax, and now you know that won't happen. Your kid has come in with something very important on his mind. You are tempted to say, "Can't it wait? I am so tired." But don't say that. He needs to share his thoughts now. Waiting until later might make a big difference.

Then, find a nice comfortable place to sit down and LISTEN to what he has to say. These are his thoughts, his feelings, so don't intersperse yours. He needs to have the floor all to himself. He needs to feel empowered since it may be difficult for him to share. As he talks, look closely at his body language; it will often convey more to you than his words. Are his eyes filling up with tears? Is he looking right at you as he speaks? Has he moved away from you? You get my drift.

And as for you, sit there, listen compassionately, but without showing too much emotion. Yelling never solved anything and, believe me, he will just tune you out! Every once in a while,  say uh huh or ask for clarification, but whatever you do, do not find fault with him or stop him from telling his story. It must be told. He needs to air it and share it and he won't do that if you try to interject with stories of your own or seem judgmental or perhaps disinterested.

After he has finished,  ask him how he feels and what he thinks he should do  about the situation. It is so much better if he comes up with a plan. Then he will be taking ownership of his decision and really want to follow through on it. Yes, offer him some advice, too, but only after he has thought out a plan of his own. Discuss the options. Ask him why he is choosing to do such and such. Just make sure when you end the conversation that he has come up with a plan and that he can see some light at the end of the tunnel. If he wants your help, offer it, but try to let him work through the problem by himself as much as he can. Speak in modulated tones

Until next time....I look forward to hearing your thoughts, so send them my way. My door is always open.
 

Interested in joining or starting a Parent Group?  Contact Judy for suggestions.